Done
I am pregnant. Again. It seems my life is just an endless stream of sleepless nights and repeating "no." Now that's not entirely true. Our children really are amazing. They are funny and sweet and generally happy. I really do enjoy them, but it is so much work being a mom.
So what does this have to do with the Priscos' journey? Well, I'm done. I don't want to go to Africa anymore. I don't want to put my family's lives at stake by living in the same region as black mambas. I want to be able to call up my pediatrician when I don't like the look of a rash Adalind has, or when Jordan is coughing, or when the baby reacts to a new food. I want to be able to drive to the grocery store or the playground. I don't want to be isolated on a farm in an unfamiliar country with three toddlers. I don't want to be away from my support system--my friends and family who I see on a regular basis and who are so helpful with the kids. I want my children to have friends. I want to have friends. When everyone associated with the farm warned us that it would be lonely, I really didn't think it mattered. I thought, "I like alone time. I'm sort of a hermit. No problem." Well, it is a problem. Sure, I enjoy some alone time. But especially as a mother, I need people. Most days, I make conscious decisions to fight against depression. Before becoming pregnant this time around, I was winning those battles. Now, I win most, but some days are really hard. Stuck in that environment, I'm just not sure how successful I would be. I guess I'm afraid of all of these things. I don't know. I don't feel afraid. I feel "no." It's like when I think about Africa, all I can hear from my head and heart are "no." I really don't want to go. Isn't that ok?
I was so sure God had called us. The basis of my confidence was the peace I had about it. I don't have that peace anymore. And even if we are still called to go, isn't it ok to ask for something else? Even Jesus asked for something else. Of course, the Father determined that it was necessary for Jesus to bear the weight of our sin, but I don't feel like He is requiring the Priscos to move to Africa. Maybe it is the plan that has the most blessing in it, but I don't feel like I am turning my back on God by saying, "I understand that that could be amazing, but I really don't want to do that. Can we please just do something else?" Maybe this was our Isaac. Maybe God asked us to give up our life here, we said yes, and then He released us by giving us a third child. I don't know. If God is requiring this of us, far be it from me to turn my back on Him. But if there is even a tiny bit of a choice for us, I choose no.
So what does this have to do with the Priscos' journey? Well, I'm done. I don't want to go to Africa anymore. I don't want to put my family's lives at stake by living in the same region as black mambas. I want to be able to call up my pediatrician when I don't like the look of a rash Adalind has, or when Jordan is coughing, or when the baby reacts to a new food. I want to be able to drive to the grocery store or the playground. I don't want to be isolated on a farm in an unfamiliar country with three toddlers. I don't want to be away from my support system--my friends and family who I see on a regular basis and who are so helpful with the kids. I want my children to have friends. I want to have friends. When everyone associated with the farm warned us that it would be lonely, I really didn't think it mattered. I thought, "I like alone time. I'm sort of a hermit. No problem." Well, it is a problem. Sure, I enjoy some alone time. But especially as a mother, I need people. Most days, I make conscious decisions to fight against depression. Before becoming pregnant this time around, I was winning those battles. Now, I win most, but some days are really hard. Stuck in that environment, I'm just not sure how successful I would be. I guess I'm afraid of all of these things. I don't know. I don't feel afraid. I feel "no." It's like when I think about Africa, all I can hear from my head and heart are "no." I really don't want to go. Isn't that ok?
I was so sure God had called us. The basis of my confidence was the peace I had about it. I don't have that peace anymore. And even if we are still called to go, isn't it ok to ask for something else? Even Jesus asked for something else. Of course, the Father determined that it was necessary for Jesus to bear the weight of our sin, but I don't feel like He is requiring the Priscos to move to Africa. Maybe it is the plan that has the most blessing in it, but I don't feel like I am turning my back on God by saying, "I understand that that could be amazing, but I really don't want to do that. Can we please just do something else?" Maybe this was our Isaac. Maybe God asked us to give up our life here, we said yes, and then He released us by giving us a third child. I don't know. If God is requiring this of us, far be it from me to turn my back on Him. But if there is even a tiny bit of a choice for us, I choose no.
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